Welcome Planet Bizarro

I read a report in the news the other day about scientists finding a ninth planet in our solar system. Well, they didn’t actually “find” it. They still don’t know exactly where it is, but the propeller-heads ran the numbers and said it must be out there somewhere.

That’s strange because I met a person who claimed to be from that planet. His name is George and he is from planet Bizarro.

George said they try to hide the planet for fear that people on Earth would copy their ways. He also said it must not be working because we are getting very much like his homeland. For example, in Gooberland, the most advanced country on Bizarro, they had automobiles and were content traveling the land in them until the accident rate killed so many that their government outlawed motorized vehicles.

They also had a problem with obesity and did a study. They found out that ice cream was making people fat. Since everyone ate ice cream with spoons, the government outlawed spoons. They also drank sodas from buckets, and that contributed to the obesity problem, so, guess what. Yep, no more buckets in Gooberland.

I began seeing parallels in the way our planets function. I asked George to tell me more so he started talking about the schools.

“We have a system called ‘Common Score’. Every kid gets the same score on tests. That doesn’t make them any smarter but it does increase their self-esteem. Every student is guaranteed to pass every grade regardless of what they may have learned. It doesn’t matter if they can’t read or write coherently, many can’t even do simple math, but they are always guaranteed employment in our government.”

Whoa, this was hitting close to home. “What about those that can’t or won’t work?” I asked.

“Well, we do seem to have more than a fair share of them, but our government gives them everything they need – no questions asked.”

“Do you have a drug problem in Gooberland?” I asked.

“No, it’s no problem. When people fry their brains, we give them free needles and drugs so they don’t have to resort to criminal activity to support their habit. In our grade schools, we hand out free merrywanna to let them experience the mind-expanding capabilities of drugs so they can make a choice to go on to stronger drugs or join society in a productive manner.”

“How’s that working for you?” I asked.

“Well, at first, we sold the drugs and taxed it, but those using drugs weren’t very productive and couldn’t buy the stuff. So the government had to supply those drugs and welfare to keep the addicts off the streets.”

“And your taxes went up?” I said.

“Of course! We now have a ninety-percent tax rate. But there aren’t many businesses or jobs anyway. Our government taxed most of them out of existence.”

“So George,” I asked, “Are you sure you are from this hidden planet? It sounds like you may just be from San Francisco. Maybe you have been smoking a little too much of that ‘medicine’.”

“No,” George said. “ I am from Planet Bizarro. Your planet is merely beginning to look like ours. I’m thinking about returning home, though. Things are getting far too restrictive on Earth.”