Is the First Lady All Wet?

Water; it’s not just for mixing with whiskey anymore. Or so the Obama administration would have us believe. USA Today, that scholarly organ of trivial information, recently reported on yet another world shattering issue from the White House. Michelle Obama wants us to drink more water. "Drink just one more glass of water a day and you can make a real difference for your health, your energy, and the way you feel," Obama said. "So Drink Up and see for yourself."

Yep, that’s a straight line, if I ever saw one. I will, however, resist the temptation to make reference to the states with water rationing, the possible horrors of telling those getting their water from Lake Erie to drink more, and the nasty things fish do in that stuff.

This reproach to the American public was made without caveat, and without actual knowledge of how much water any individual now drinks. My wife insists that I must drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Is that big or little glasses? She points to the ones in the cupboard the size of buckets. But now the current occupant of the White House is telling me to drink more. Somehow, I doubt even fish drink that much.

One “expert” Stanley Goldfarb, a professor of medicine at the University of Pennsylvania went so far as to say, "The idea drinking water increases energy, the word I've used to describe it is: quixotic," he said. "We're designed to drink when we're thirsty. ... There's no need to have more than that." That’s exactly what I told the guys down at the bar … right before I ordered another round.

Seriously folks, everyone knows water is necessary for all life on earth to exist – especially someone hiking in Death Valley in July. My doctor is a big fan of drinking water. He even discourages prescribing a diuretic to people in Southern California. He says most of us lose enough water just walking around in the warm, low humidity So-Cal climate.

Most of us get more water than we realize, though. There’s water in coffee, tea, fruit drinks, and just about any other liquid you drink. Even beer is made with water – although, I’ve been warned against drinking alcohol when thirsty. In fact, that is why beer was invented several thousand years ago. The water was so bad, people were dying from drinking it, and they found that fermented barley actually killed the germs in the water. Egyptians building the pyramids were even paid in beer. Although, without refrigeration, I suspect they didn’t wait for the mountains to turn blue.

It seems that First Ladies must grow weary of sitting around the White House watching their husbands tackle knotty issues day-in and day-out. They want to put their mark on the administration. Eleanor Roosevelt continually pushed FDR for a socialist agenda. Nancy Reagan told everyone to just say no to drugs. Hillary Clinton told Bill to just say no to the White House interns. And now Michelle Obama, fresh from her latest taxpayer paid multi-million dollar vacation, is promoting the health benefits of drinking … water.

This campaign can’t turn out any worse than the one where she promoted fresh fruit and vegetables in schools. You know, the one where one school reported throwing out $75,000 worth of uneaten fruit and vegetables a day. Kids will eat what they like and people will drink what they like. 

Maybe after her next multi-million dollar vacation, she might get us to breathe more air. Until then, I guess I’ll have to drink a few more Jack-and-waters. Can’t disappoint the White House.