Global Warming: The Cause of All Evil?

The headline in a German news article from Der Spiegel read, “Scientific Feud: Does Global Warming Make Us More Violent?” I couldn’t pass this up. Global warming is being blamed for a lot of things, but violence? Are the pseudo-scientists at it again?

Apparently, Der Spiegel isn’t the only news magazine to pick this up. The article spoke of other news reports that displayed headlines such as; "Hotter Weather Actually Makes Us Want to Kill Each Other," a headline chosen by the Atlantic, "Rise in violence 'linked to climate change,' wrote the BBC, "Global Warming Is Greatly Increasing Crime and Other Conflict," it read in the Huffington Post. According to Spiegel, several German outlets have run variations on the "Climate of Violence" theme with Focus Online leading the way sporting the headline, "Agro-Heat Turns People into Killers."

Okay, now I’m worried. Is he old boogey-man, Global Warming responsible for everything bad that happens? I couldn’t find my keys the other day. Was it the fault of the weather? Is Obama missing the boat by blaming his troubles on his predecessors instead of placing the blame on Global Warming? Are we really as gullible as the pseudo-scientists believe us to be?

Deeper in the article we find that this frenzy of misinformation was set off by a study from a team led by Solomon Hsiang from the University of California, Berkeley. Other scientists accuse them of, “using questionable statistical methods, of arriving at dubious conclusions and even of a tendentious selection of data.” Those familiar with my column may recall that I have demonstrated the fallibility of statistics. Repeating a lie enough times may make people believe it’s true but a much faster way is to use statistics.

Sports scores don’t lie; they are a direct outcome of a competition. Recorded temperature measurements are likewise reliable; they are the record of calibrated instruments. It’s when you selectively plot the recorded measurements over time and plug them into mathematic equations that you can make them “prove” whatever thesis you want. Now take the results of skewed statistics and correlate them with a selection of events biased to your desired outcome and you have the Big Lie destined to be accepted as truth.

Is the earth in a warming period? Some credible scientists say it is. Equally credible scientists say it is not. It’s enough to make us all neurotic. Now take this ambiguous data and mix it with a selected set of violent events and voila you have “proved” Global Warming causes violence. But wait…no; it “proves” no warming causes violence.

Now mix in the other ambiguous data on greenhouse gases and you find that we are actually responsible for global violence. Throw in more “data” and you find your car, lawnmower, barbecue, and fireplace are causing your neighbors to be violent. And here all along you may have thought they were just jerks.

All right, that issue is solved. What else can I “prove” for you? How about “Proving” Global Warming causes obesity, or maybe how Global Warming causes politicians to say and do dumb things? That one, I might actually believe.